I am not the mom, I want to be

I am not the mom who sits on the floor and plays Barbies with them. I am not the mom who builds Lego castles.  I am not the mom who sits and plays board games.  I am not the mom who goes on every field trip with them.  I am not the mom who volunteers in the classroom.  I am not the mom who gets dressed to take them to school or to pick them up.  Yes I live three blocks from the school and I drive nearly every time!  I am not the mom who takes my kids to the park.  I am not the mom who has my kids in a million activities. I am not the mom who has a clean kitchen every night.  I am not the mom who makes dinner every night,  sometimes take out is my best friend.

I am the mom that wears my hair thrown up in a pony tail.  I am the mom who shows up any where wearing yoga pants.  I will show up to school wearing no make up and looking like I just rolled out of bed.  I have read all these articles about "those" types of moms.   "You should pull yourself together!"  "You should care what you look like."  Really?  Do you understand if I take a shower, some days that means I have to take a two hour nap afterwards?  If I make myself "presentable" now I don't get to play with my kids when they get home?  So it's a daily choice for me of which battle to fight. 

I am not the mom I set out to be 12 years ago.  I have failed miserably.  I don't get to take them to every event.  I don't have the energy to make dinner every night.  I am the mom who let's my kids eat more quesadillas and hot dogs than any person should.  It's all I can do to get by some days.  My house is a mess.  My kids have lots of chores and I am a stay at home mom.  It's not what this was supposed to look like.

Luckily, I have an amazing husband who plays chess with our kids.  They have a daddy who plays board games with them.  They have a daddy who coaches the soccer team.  They have a daddy that will wrestle with them.  They have a daddy that picks up where mommy lacks. 

I am a mom with chronic pain.  I am a mom with a list of non curable diseases.  I am a mom who has doctors look at me and say "hmmm, i dont know come back in three months."  I am a mom that lays on the couch or in my bed often.  I am a mom that can't drive sometimes because I had to break down and take narcotics to get through the pain.  I am the mom who sees doctors more often than I have coffee dates.  I am the mom who forgets tons of things because of "chronic pain brain fog."  I am the mom who struggles day in and day out to find the balance of what I need to do versus what my body can handle. 

But I am the mom who has more independent kids because of all of this.  I am the mom who has purely passionate and caring kids.  I am the mom who has three kids that can all at least make quesadillas in the microwave.  I am the mom who has kids that look out for each other.  I am the mom that gets more snuggles than most moms ever do.  I am the mom who truly believes I am raising better kids because of my chronic illness.  I am the mom who loves her children more than they will ever know.  I am the mom that will fight everything for her kids.  But they are the ones saving my life every day.  They are the reason I get up.  They are the reason I keep fighting.  They are MY reason!