Have to dos vs Need to dos

There are so many things in life I want to do.  Some of them are superficial and some of them will make a difference.  Some of the things are have to dos and some of them are want to dos.  There comes a point with this nasty disease when you have to only do the have to dos.  Everything else falls by the wayside and you just keep keeping on. 

I am so blessed that about six months ago a very dear friend of mine challenge me to stop faking it and to be real.  No, I haven't been real this whole time.  Yes there are times you have to suck it up, put on a smile and do it. But that shouldn't be the majority of the time. You need to be honest with yourself.  Every time I am in the midst of a big decision now I look at it and say is it a have to or a want to?  Is it a fake it or is it make it?

I have to put all my decisions thru this thought process still because it hasn't been easy to be true to who I am.  I am such a people pleaser and love helping people out that I lose what I need and how I need the help.  Don't get me wrong it is still far and few between that I ask for help but I have slowed down jumping up to help others.  I only have a handful of spoons that I am given every day, that handful seems to be dwindling lately, I need to use as many of those spoons as I can to help my kiddos.  My youngest crawled up in my lap today and said "Mommy, how is your tummy?  Is it ok?  I want you to come on my field trip today!"  I jumped up and used a handful of my spoons to go but I did.  I need to save my energy for those moments.   Am I going to be stuck on the couch tomorrow because I walked around for 2 hours today, ya of course I am.  But am I ever going to be able to go on another kindergarten field trip again, no I am not!  So did I fake it to get thru the field trip, ya. But was it me being real and being honest with who I am as mommy, yes it was.   And those moments will always be worth sucking it up for. 

I am sorry to those that think any of us with chronic illnesses are faking it.  Or think that if we would just get up and moving or think positive it would all be better, let me tell you we would give anything for that.  I hate having decide dealing with the laundry or doing dishes because I only can do one tonight.  I hate that I am going to have to stop with my business because I can't take up that extra energy to do it.  I hate that....I could go on an on and so could any person who has endometriosis or other chronic diseases.  But to be real to myself I have to make these decisions daily and sometimes minute by minute. 

My hope and prayer is that one day it won't be like this.  That my daughter and other females will not endure what I and so many women have gone thru.  And that one day we will all be able to do what we want.  Until that day I challenge each of you to be real to yourselves and those that don't have to endure this every day to be understanding of we are doing the best we can. 

No, taking a nap won't help!

So often as women with endometriosis we hear complaints about us being tired all the time.  Geez, I wish I could lay around all day.  Maybe if you got up and did something you would have more energy.  You should try drinking some coffee, that always wakes me up.  If you think positive thoughts it will make everything better.  I'm too busy to rest like you do.  So many people, in my opinion, have no clue that this is part of having endo. 

No one knows if it is the imbalance of hormones, or chronic pain that play a part in this fatigue but let me tell you it is very real.  Other reasons this occures may be the constant inflammation in the body, excessive stress or possibly when having chronic pain one sleeps less soundly.  One Internet source describes endo fatigue as a "grinding fatigue as severe as that experienced with advanced cancer is present in most cases." 

Many different sites describe it like this:
     -heaviness of the body, feeling weighed down
     -depression like symptoms, heaviness of the mind and body, mentally overwhelmed
     -simple activities like showering and getting dressed takes effort and planning
     -irritability, short term memory loss and emotional outbursts/breakdowns
      -sleep, coffee, resting, meditation etc don't help
      -loss of joy in favorite activities and hobbies

Believe me when I speak for other women, this isn't what we want to feel like.  It has cost us relationships, isolated us, left us feeling alone and misunderstood and sometimes makes us feel like we don't even know who we are.  I have a horrid fear of tomorrow.  I have no clue what I will wake up feeling like.  Is tomorrow going to be a day I can't get off the couch all day or a day I actually get to vacuum?  I hate not knowing how I can plan for a day from now let alone in three months.  The disease takes away so many things in my life.  I have dealt with it severely for the last 4 years, off and on for 22 years and every single minute for the last year.  It is miserable.  There is nothing fun about it.  There is no for sure treatment.  My best option was the surgery I had 4 months ago, guess what, I still have pain.  I am tired of being tired.  I am tired of the battle inside my body and with the doctors and people around me to understand this disease.  I am tired of telling my kiddos and husband no.  Endo fatigue has stripped me of who I am and who I aspire to be.  Now I am left with just trying to make it thru this day sometimes even just this minute.