There are so many things in life I want to do. Some of them are superficial and some of them will make a difference. Some of the things are have to dos and some of them are want to dos. There comes a point with this nasty disease when you have to only do the have to dos. Everything else falls by the wayside and you just keep keeping on.
I am so blessed that about six months ago a very dear friend of mine challenge me to stop faking it and to be real. No, I haven't been real this whole time. Yes there are times you have to suck it up, put on a smile and do it. But that shouldn't be the majority of the time. You need to be honest with yourself. Every time I am in the midst of a big decision now I look at it and say is it a have to or a want to? Is it a fake it or is it make it?
I have to put all my decisions thru this thought process still because it hasn't been easy to be true to who I am. I am such a people pleaser and love helping people out that I lose what I need and how I need the help. Don't get me wrong it is still far and few between that I ask for help but I have slowed down jumping up to help others. I only have a handful of spoons that I am given every day, that handful seems to be dwindling lately, I need to use as many of those spoons as I can to help my kiddos. My youngest crawled up in my lap today and said "Mommy, how is your tummy? Is it ok? I want you to come on my field trip today!" I jumped up and used a handful of my spoons to go but I did. I need to save my energy for those moments. Am I going to be stuck on the couch tomorrow because I walked around for 2 hours today, ya of course I am. But am I ever going to be able to go on another kindergarten field trip again, no I am not! So did I fake it to get thru the field trip, ya. But was it me being real and being honest with who I am as mommy, yes it was. And those moments will always be worth sucking it up for.
I am sorry to those that think any of us with chronic illnesses are faking it. Or think that if we would just get up and moving or think positive it would all be better, let me tell you we would give anything for that. I hate having decide dealing with the laundry or doing dishes because I only can do one tonight. I hate that I am going to have to stop with my business because I can't take up that extra energy to do it. I hate that....I could go on an on and so could any person who has endometriosis or other chronic diseases. But to be real to myself I have to make these decisions daily and sometimes minute by minute.
My hope and prayer is that one day it won't be like this. That my daughter and other females will not endure what I and so many women have gone thru. And that one day we will all be able to do what we want. Until that day I challenge each of you to be real to yourselves and those that don't have to endure this every day to be understanding of we are doing the best we can.
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