A Time to Grieve

There comes a time in the process of chronic illness that you have to grieve.  I am pretty sure that is what this last year has been and then the anniversary date of my hysterectomy and major excision surgery brought up all those feelings again.  After my surgery and lack of relief from it, I realized I am going to be dealing with these symptoms forever.  I knew it was a possibility but in my Pollyanna world I didn't want to believe that would be how it was.  I was going to heal from that surgery, the excision was going to be amazing and I was going to have at least 5 great years.  I wasn't so blinded to think that I was never going to have issues again but I was excited for the 5 years.  Well, reality sunk in, I didn't get 5 months.  Here I sit one year later in the fetal position with my heating pad in severe pain all over again.  It's a good thing I have kids and an amazing husband that pulls me through all this crap.

I went to the neurologist today after having ran a few different tests, guess what, they all came back normal.  So guess what they blame all my symptoms on endometriosis, fibromyalgia and stress.  She told me I need to reduce stress and get the other two under control.  HAHAHA does she not understand that.  Oh and she told me that I know where to find her if I need to see her again.  Another write off from another doctor.

So I sat down today and had another good cry.  If a friend ever made me cry as much as this chronic disease does I would totally kick them to the curb.  It isn't fair how endometriosis takes over my entire body and causes so many different issues and no doctor will help you out.  If I wanted to see a specialist I would have to fly to another state to even get treatment.  It isn't fair how this disease robs you of being the mom you dreamed of being to the children that you were so blessed to have.  It isn't fair how this disease climbs into bed between my husband and I.  It isn't fair how doctors write you off because there is nothing else they can see in the tests they are running.  If anyone else treated me like this they would be so gone, I wouldn't even think twice about it.  Unfortunately this isn't someone on the outside, this is a nasty, chronic, benign, attacking, eating disease that is taking over my insides and my life.  I don't get to have a surgery to remove it all, can you go outside and get rid of all the dandelions in your yard and never have another one grow.  I don't even get to take a pill or a hundred to make it go away.  There is nothing to do but live with this.  

I try my damnedest to not let this win.  I am taking control of my life to the best of my ability.  I have started a different diet that helps reduce inflammation (no I didn't give up snickers!!!), heal my gut and reduce the amount of crap food that goes in my mouth.  I have started religious use of my essential oils.  I have upped my vitamins that I am taking!  Exercise is next on my list.  I have started using CBD .  And I have started working on a new passion in life.  I am doing what I can but it still doesn't fix any of this, I am just hoping I can create a better version of what this looks like.


I have to remember being sad and upset about this disease is ok.  I had big dreams of what my life would look like, yoga pants, sweatshirts, ponytails and heating pads were not part of it!!!  I need to recreate a new dream and new ambitions.  I have to remember my struggles and pain does not define me my strength and hope does.  It will take time as I bury my original mental dream board but it will happen somehow.  I will continue to fight and advocate for those around me.  I just keep praying my daughters and other daughters never have to go through this living hell.

From the mouth of my BABE!

Here is my husband's take on all this endometriosis crap!!!

Endometriosis has changed my life in so many ways.  It has changed our family life too.  To be completely honest, although this disease is horrible, I always try to find the upside.  End has made me see and realize how much I love and care about my wife.  I already knew I loved her more than anything but it is so much more than that now.  This disease has dragged her down but it has made her fight even harder.  She has had to rely on me even more in turn making me a better man, husband and father.  Endo is really some messed up shit.  As easy as it would be to give up, she hasn’t.  She doesn’t let endo define who she is. 

                As the husband, it has never been a thought of mine to give up on her and walk away.  I hear about men walking away from their wives in similar situations and it makes me sad and upset…ok really angry too.  In a time where love and support are needed, the most, he walks away.  You “boy” are not a man.  I get it it’s not easy by any means but nothing about life is easy…except one thing, loving my wife and kids. 

As crazy as it sounds, endo has made me see even more how amazing my wife it.  Don’t get me wrong, I hate endo and truly wish it never happened to my wife but we don’t have that option.  The only option is to deal with it and know this is going to be a part of our lives forever.  Knowing this, the good days are great days and the bad days are rough but no matter what the day is it’s still our day as a family.  It’s up to us as a husband and wife and family to make it what it is.  This has not only made me better but it has made our kids better.  They are some of the most loving, caring, sweet, awesome kids you will ever have the pleasure of knowing. 

I can’t control what this evil disease does to my wife but I can control how we as a family deal with it.  I know I get my strength from her.  She is a fighter.  As a team we tackle this fight together.  We will never give in and strive to make the best out of whatever this disease tries to takes from or throws at us. 

To any other husband out there, that is going through this and may be lost.  Stop and realize that SHE is the one that has to deal with it physically and mentally every second of every day.  Be there to support her.  Don’t pretend like it doesn’t exist.  LISTEN to how she is feeling.  Take the time to educate yourself.  Remember she has endo, she is not endo.  Take the good days and enjoy, then take the bad days for days of extra love and support.  Remember why you married her…that hasn’t changed.  For better or worse, through sickness and health, it means something!

Elizabeth, you are my wife and the love of my life.  No ENDO is going to change that!

Taking my life back

The last 18 months have taken a huge toll on my body and mind not to mention my family!  I am over that!  It is time to make a decision and take my life back or lay down and let this disease roll me over.  Being the fighter I am, I am taking my life back.  It is time to get moving and be happy again.  Yes, I am still going to be dealing with pain.  Yes,  there will be days I still can't get out of bed.  Yes, there will still be misery.  But, I need to take the good days and make the best out of it. 

First thing on the list is to get my house back under control.  I dont know about you but when i am feeling better the last thing I want to do is clean. I want to get out of the house with my kiddos and husband!  But it is time!  Yesterday, was the living room.  Today, is the kitchen!  I am going to make this happen.  Feel free to check in on me and hold me accountable.  Our bedroom and my office are next on the list also! 

I am so happy for the change of my mind and thought process.  I know I am in my good 2 weeks of the month but I am feeling good, for me!  My pain level isn't below a 4 but pushing thru it feels so good.  I just have to make sure that I listen to my body and rest when it needs it.  I am going back to starting my day with a daily affirmation.  If you don't do this, I highly suggest it.  Mine for now is I am using my time wisely and paying attention to what my body needs and says.  It is really important to change this at least monthly. 

Second thing I am working on is getting my business back.  I am a Pampered Chef Consultant and I love working my business.  I love being able to bring people back around the dinner table and spending time together.  Plus the extra bonus is I get to make money having fun!  I highly suggest thru this process finding something you love and have a passion for to focus your time on.  I can work from my couch if I need to but I can also get up and get out of the house.  Whatever your passion is, pursue it.  It's a great way to get our of what I call the couch funk!  Having chronic pain you do need to make sure this activity can pull you off the couch but can also be done while down. 

Another way to take your life back is to surround yourself with positivity.  The phrase you are what you eat is more to me you are what you watch.  Think about the last time you watched a sappy or sad movie, how long did it take to pull you out of that and stop thinking about it?  If you had instead watched something inspirational, what would have been the thoughts that went thru your head for that time frame?  How much positive impact on your life would that have been?  Read an inspirational book.  I love the book Take the Stairs by Rory  Vaden.  Life isn't going to be easy especially living with chronic illnesses but there is an option and it may be hard but the investment will be worth it in end.  These ideas come from my dear friend, life and business coach Michelle Withers, but my favorite one she suggests is make a bucket list and set goals.  If you don't have a bucket list and goals you don't have direction in your life.  You are just floating by every day and have no direction.  Start by making your bucket list, this gives you what you want to do and your end result.  By doing this, you can then set your goals appropriately.   We all need goals, whether it is to walk to the corner of the street and back or it is to make half a million dollars a year. 

With these steps under me and part of my daily life and routine I know I will conquer things that are coming my way.  If you have been reading my blog since the beginning it is my hope that you hear (read) the shift in my tone.  My attitude towards all this is more of a go get it and conquer it attitude.  I am going to take my life back and be in control again!  What steps are you going to take today to do the same?

EndoWoman are taking to the streets!

Steffenie and I are so super excited to let everyone know we will be hosting a walk!!!!  We are joining forces with Cause and Event- Portland.  It will keep costs down for everyone involved plus raise more awareness for Endometriosis because we will be walking with hundreds of other people!!!  The event will be taking place on October 18, 2015 in the Bethany Village area of Portland, Oregon.

There are many ways you and your family can support us!!!  All funds raised will be donated to The Endometriosis Foundation of America.
1. Register to walk and join us in person on the day of the event!!!  https://www.raceit.com/register/groups/jointeam.aspx?event=31580  Make sure you choose team EndoWomen of Oregon

2.  You can walk virtually.  So that means where you are you decide that you are going to walk 5k.  You can do it the day of "with" us or sometime during that week.  Of course we would love to see pictures.  http://causeandeventraceseries.com/virtual-run.html

3. You can donate money to the cause.  We would like to raise $2000 for our cause!!!  https://www.raceit.com/fundraising/fundraise.aspx?event=25465&fundraiser=13130

4.  You can also follow our event on Facebook

One of our Endo Sister's has graciously offered to design, make and give shirts to all EndoWomen that are walking in person!!!  We need to know your size of shirt by the end of August so these shirts can get made!!!

Registration costs are $35 and that includes a participation shirt (separate from the special endo shirt) and participation medal.

We know that some of our medical issues cause us not to be able to walk that far, please still register for the walk as there will be a lot of volunteer opportunities available for the week of the race and the day of!  When someone volunteers more money will be donated to our cause!!!

Also if you would like to participate and you are in another state you can register to walk virtually and then host your own event.  Remember though to follow your state and counties laws on groups of people being together!!!  I always suggest using a school field!!!


If you have any questions, please contact Steffenie or myself.

Happy walking and we can't wait to see you all in October!!!!  Let's make this disease known!!!

Have to dos vs Need to dos

There are so many things in life I want to do.  Some of them are superficial and some of them will make a difference.  Some of the things are have to dos and some of them are want to dos.  There comes a point with this nasty disease when you have to only do the have to dos.  Everything else falls by the wayside and you just keep keeping on. 

I am so blessed that about six months ago a very dear friend of mine challenge me to stop faking it and to be real.  No, I haven't been real this whole time.  Yes there are times you have to suck it up, put on a smile and do it. But that shouldn't be the majority of the time. You need to be honest with yourself.  Every time I am in the midst of a big decision now I look at it and say is it a have to or a want to?  Is it a fake it or is it make it?

I have to put all my decisions thru this thought process still because it hasn't been easy to be true to who I am.  I am such a people pleaser and love helping people out that I lose what I need and how I need the help.  Don't get me wrong it is still far and few between that I ask for help but I have slowed down jumping up to help others.  I only have a handful of spoons that I am given every day, that handful seems to be dwindling lately, I need to use as many of those spoons as I can to help my kiddos.  My youngest crawled up in my lap today and said "Mommy, how is your tummy?  Is it ok?  I want you to come on my field trip today!"  I jumped up and used a handful of my spoons to go but I did.  I need to save my energy for those moments.   Am I going to be stuck on the couch tomorrow because I walked around for 2 hours today, ya of course I am.  But am I ever going to be able to go on another kindergarten field trip again, no I am not!  So did I fake it to get thru the field trip, ya. But was it me being real and being honest with who I am as mommy, yes it was.   And those moments will always be worth sucking it up for. 

I am sorry to those that think any of us with chronic illnesses are faking it.  Or think that if we would just get up and moving or think positive it would all be better, let me tell you we would give anything for that.  I hate having decide dealing with the laundry or doing dishes because I only can do one tonight.  I hate that I am going to have to stop with my business because I can't take up that extra energy to do it.  I hate that....I could go on an on and so could any person who has endometriosis or other chronic diseases.  But to be real to myself I have to make these decisions daily and sometimes minute by minute. 

My hope and prayer is that one day it won't be like this.  That my daughter and other females will not endure what I and so many women have gone thru.  And that one day we will all be able to do what we want.  Until that day I challenge each of you to be real to yourselves and those that don't have to endure this every day to be understanding of we are doing the best we can.