There comes a time in the process of chronic illness that you have to grieve. I am pretty sure that is what this last year has been and then the anniversary date of my hysterectomy and major excision surgery brought up all those feelings again. After my surgery and lack of relief from it, I realized I am going to be dealing with these symptoms forever. I knew it was a possibility but in my Pollyanna world I didn't want to believe that would be how it was. I was going to heal from that surgery, the excision was going to be amazing and I was going to have at least 5 great years. I wasn't so blinded to think that I was never going to have issues again but I was excited for the 5 years. Well, reality sunk in, I didn't get 5 months. Here I sit one year later in the fetal position with my heating pad in severe pain all over again. It's a good thing I have kids and an amazing husband that pulls me through all this crap.
I went to the neurologist today after having ran a few different tests, guess what, they all came back normal. So guess what they blame all my symptoms on endometriosis, fibromyalgia and stress. She told me I need to reduce stress and get the other two under control. HAHAHA does she not understand that. Oh and she told me that I know where to find her if I need to see her again. Another write off from another doctor.
So I sat down today and had another good cry. If a friend ever made me cry as much as this chronic disease does I would totally kick them to the curb. It isn't fair how endometriosis takes over my entire body and causes so many different issues and no doctor will help you out. If I wanted to see a specialist I would have to fly to another state to even get treatment. It isn't fair how this disease robs you of being the mom you dreamed of being to the children that you were so blessed to have. It isn't fair how this disease climbs into bed between my husband and I. It isn't fair how doctors write you off because there is nothing else they can see in the tests they are running. If anyone else treated me like this they would be so gone, I wouldn't even think twice about it. Unfortunately this isn't someone on the outside, this is a nasty, chronic, benign, attacking, eating disease that is taking over my insides and my life. I don't get to have a surgery to remove it all, can you go outside and get rid of all the dandelions in your yard and never have another one grow. I don't even get to take a pill or a hundred to make it go away. There is nothing to do but live with this.
I try my damnedest to not let this win. I am taking control of my life to the best of my ability. I have started a different diet that helps reduce inflammation (no I didn't give up snickers!!!), heal my gut and reduce the amount of crap food that goes in my mouth. I have started religious use of my essential oils. I have upped my vitamins that I am taking! Exercise is next on my list. I have started using CBD . And I have started working on a new passion in life. I am doing what I can but it still doesn't fix any of this, I am just hoping I can create a better version of what this looks like.
I have to remember being sad and upset about this disease is ok. I had big dreams of what my life would look like, yoga pants, sweatshirts, ponytails and heating pads were not part of it!!! I need to recreate a new dream and new ambitions. I have to remember my struggles and pain does not define me my strength and hope does. It will take time as I bury my original mental dream board but it will happen somehow. I will continue to fight and advocate for those around me. I just keep praying my daughters and other daughters never have to go through this living hell.
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