Broken Dreams

As a child most people dream of what they want to be when they grow up.  "I want to be a doctor."  "I want to be a teacher."  "I want to be a mom."  I wanted to be a music teacher, specifically a choir director.  I didn't care if it was a church or school, I just knew this is what I wanted to do.  I love working with kids and making a difference in people's lives is what I wanted!  So fast forward to high school, I picked out the University I wanted to go to, during my junior year.  It was eight hours north of where I grew up and it was a beautiful campus and area.  I was going to be applying to this school during the summer before my senior year.  Unfortunately, the end of my junior year my dad ended up with a massive brain tumor and had developed a seizure disorder from the damage.  Being the daddy's girl I am and the financial strain this had on my family, I decided to stay home and attend the state college near by.  First dream broken.

So off to college I go.  I start studying music education and vocal performance immediately when I get there. I was taking a full load of general education classes and my music classes on top of it.  Most days I was singing about six to eight hours a day.  Come to find out my vocal chords can't handle that much singing, they are too tight and actually bang against each other as I talk and sing.  I ended up developing vocal nodules in my second year of college.  I had to drop my music degree because there would be no way for me to have the nodules and continue singing.  Dream two broken.

I go on to meet my amazing husband and have three beautiful kids.  If you have read my posts prior to this you know that I have suffered with horrifically painful periods since I was 12 years old.   Some how God blessed me with three beautiful kiddos here on earth and two babies that I never held.  I wanted to be a mom my whole life.  I was going to be on of those PTA president, soccer and van-pooling mom's.  I imagined I would be involved as much as I could in my kids lives (until they were too cool for me) and my husband and I would take them on tons of adventures and experiences.  Little did I know that this horrible terror of Endometriosis would be the next thing in my life to crush my dreams.  I have to pay attention to how much I do and when I do them so I can save energy to go do things with  my kids.  There are times I miss out on going places with them or seeing them do something because I am laid up on the couch in more pain than people can imagine.  This is not how I imagined my life.  I hate that I don't get to be the wife that I always wanted to be.  Endometriosis gets in the way of so much of a romantic relationship.  From the pain, the chronic fatigue, the don't touch me feelings to the depression, this isn't what I dreamed being a wife looked like. Dreams three and four broken.

I don't understand why my big dreams in life keep getting broken for one thing or another.  I don't understand what I did or didn't do to deserve it.  But I do know other dreams, that I didn't even know existed are coming true.   I have learned how to say no to people and to doing things for others all the time.  My kids are growing up to be some of the most sympathetic, compassionate and caring people I know.  And I am trying to learn not to feel guilty for not being able to do everything all the time.  Yes, it is still hard to know how many dreams where broken and not know why or how that changed the outcome in my life but it is good to know that I will get through all of this and that my kids and husband will be by my side fighting right along with me!

No, taking a nap won't help!

So often as women with endometriosis we hear complaints about us being tired all the time.  Geez, I wish I could lay around all day.  Maybe if you got up and did something you would have more energy.  You should try drinking some coffee, that always wakes me up.  If you think positive thoughts it will make everything better.  I'm too busy to rest like you do.  So many people, in my opinion, have no clue that this is part of having endo. 

No one knows if it is the imbalance of hormones, or chronic pain that play a part in this fatigue but let me tell you it is very real.  Other reasons this occures may be the constant inflammation in the body, excessive stress or possibly when having chronic pain one sleeps less soundly.  One Internet source describes endo fatigue as a "grinding fatigue as severe as that experienced with advanced cancer is present in most cases." 

Many different sites describe it like this:
     -heaviness of the body, feeling weighed down
     -depression like symptoms, heaviness of the mind and body, mentally overwhelmed
     -simple activities like showering and getting dressed takes effort and planning
     -irritability, short term memory loss and emotional outbursts/breakdowns
      -sleep, coffee, resting, meditation etc don't help
      -loss of joy in favorite activities and hobbies

Believe me when I speak for other women, this isn't what we want to feel like.  It has cost us relationships, isolated us, left us feeling alone and misunderstood and sometimes makes us feel like we don't even know who we are.  I have a horrid fear of tomorrow.  I have no clue what I will wake up feeling like.  Is tomorrow going to be a day I can't get off the couch all day or a day I actually get to vacuum?  I hate not knowing how I can plan for a day from now let alone in three months.  The disease takes away so many things in my life.  I have dealt with it severely for the last 4 years, off and on for 22 years and every single minute for the last year.  It is miserable.  There is nothing fun about it.  There is no for sure treatment.  My best option was the surgery I had 4 months ago, guess what, I still have pain.  I am tired of being tired.  I am tired of the battle inside my body and with the doctors and people around me to understand this disease.  I am tired of telling my kiddos and husband no.  Endo fatigue has stripped me of who I am and who I aspire to be.  Now I am left with just trying to make it thru this day sometimes even just this minute.